Menifee Mom: Social Media Requires Watchful Eye

By Karen Thomas

Several years ago, after "friending" a niece, I was checking my Facebook feed and encountered a completely different side to social networking.

Phrases such as "like for a rate" or "like for a tbh" were completely foreign to me. So I took a moment to do a little Internet research. I was shocked: These teens were actually asking people to let them critique them.

Teens worrying about what their peers think of them is nothing new, but now it is thrown out in the open on social media, where information spreads like wildfire and can be referred to often. With the tap of a screen, a person's life can be changed in an instant.

It works like this: One teen will post "like for a rate or a tbh" and then another will see it and "like" the post. This invites the first teen to then rate them from 1-10 (often on looks) or tell them in words what they really think about that person ("tbh" means "to be honest.") There is even "tbr," meaning "to be rude."

When I discovered this, all I could think was, "Why do they open themselves up to be critiqued like that?" How will they feel if someone only rates them as a "6" and then rates another girl as a "9"? There is nothing good that can come of that.

Those who are nice will often give "tbh" comments such as, "tbh, I see you in class, but we never really talk" or "tbh, you're really pretty and nice." But then others will post things like, "tbh, you're so ugly! #ily (I love you)." That person is trying to joke around with a friend, I assume, but how does that make a teen girl, who maybe has some insecurities already, feel about herself?

What happens when someone doesn't even try to be nice and is just flat out mean? People will so often say things online or via text that they would never dare say to someone's face.

I don't believe there are many people who can immerse themselves in such a world of constant superficial evaluation and not be affected by it. In a time of life when kids are so vulnerable and just want to be accepted, the damaging effects social networking can have on them are real.

Parents need to be vigilant in monitoring their children's accounts and posts. It's really not enough just to friend them, I don't think. That only lets us see the pictures they post themselves, not what is going on in their social environment.

We need to be especially aware of the little things that might not be as obvious as a hurtful comment.
Even those who don't ask for a "rate" open themselves up for judgment every time they post photos. Teens can get focused on how many "likes" their photo got compared to someone else's. Maybe they notice that other people get comments that they are looking "hot" or "beautiful", but no one says that about them. Or, they might see a post of a group of kids out having fun and they realize they weren't invited. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how things might affect them.

Most importantly, talk to your kids about things you see on Facebook or Instagram. Make social networking an open environment in your home by having conversations about the things they and their friends post. Help them sort through their friend lists and make sure your child is making safe choices and that their accounts are private. (ie: "Who is this person?" They answer, "I met them once." "Then they don't belong on your list.")

You will help them see that things online are actually out in the open, not just something that happens only on a 4-inch screen. Hopefully, if problems do arise and feelings are hurt, they will come to you instead of letting the hurt build up inside.

It is also important to teach our kids to think carefully about the things they say to others. Teach them to use words that are kind and uplifting. Help them to understand that arguments or frustrations are usually best settled face to face when tone and facial expressions are understood and sympathy and forgiveness is more easily applied. I've seen simple misunderstanding get blown out of proportion when handled electronically.

Kids need to understand that words sent electronically cannot be taken back once sent. They can be saved and read over and over (causing the hurt and anger to build up), used against you, and forwarded to other people to read.

It can seem overwhelming to try to keep up with the trends in social networking, but it is important that we do. Many resources exist in helping parents navigate the various media and privacy settings.
Teens may seem independent, but they still need our wisdom and our watchful care. Today they might roll their eyes and get upset, but in the future they will thank you. (I'm counting on it!)

Karen Thomas is a stay at home mom of four daughters, has been on the PTA board at her kids' school for four years, and is a volunteer at her church, in addition to her activities as a volunteer soccer referee, a piano teacher, and a runner. Her column will appear here every other week. Comments are welcome.